And Ferguson, and Texas, and Baltimore, and New York and others never mentioned and those yet to come. . .

Once again our nation is faced with another racial tragedy. Something that seems to come more often than not these days. While the media will continue to try and turn the facts of this event around and around in our 24 hour news cycle, we have to remember as viewers that there are facts and there are conjectures. And those facts are that this white boy went into this SIGNIFICANT historically black church and killed 9 people. Period. And much like all of the other events that have been happening all over the country there will be those who try and rationalize and justify in a sense (but never excuse - oh no that's never what they supposedly try to do) what has happened. But there is nothing rational about fear and hate. While the media will go on with their rhetoric and the black politicians and civil rights leaders will stand up with their typical rhetoric we have to be careful with the rhetoric that I think is the most damaging to race relations in this country: "We are all one race: Human".

Now while it's a great sentiment and it's a true statement, in my opinion it does way more harm than good. Typically this statement will come at the middle or the beginning of a discussion about our differences and do you know what usually happens? An audience claps, the people will agree, and the conversation will stop and turn to something away from the issue at hand. It's a silencer statement.

People we are not all the same. And failure to be able to talk, discuss, ask questions about things that are different, things we may not understand is what leads to assumptions, which lead to misunderstandings, which lead to leads to fear, and it breeds hate. We have to make it safe to ask questions, be curious, and want to learn about people's differences. We have to acknowledge that no two people's life experiences are the same. Our differences are what make this life unique, rich and beautiful.How boring would it be if everyone was the same?? We have to be OK to be different.

Failure to talk about these things also breeds this false sense of equality and makes it easy for people to continue to do dishonest and unfair things. It keeps women from making an equal wage. It keeps politicians to be able to write, rewrite and remove laws that were meant to keep the system balanced. It keeps people in "non-traditional" relationships from being protected under the same laws that protect people in "traditional" relationships. Why? Because we're all human right? There's no need for gender, race, sex specific laws. "We are all human" is a dismissive statement.

So let's stop with this "we are all part of the human race" mess! I am different! She is different! He is different! They are different! And you know what?!? THAT'S OK!!!! We all have a right to live this life in whatever manner we see fit. However we do not have the right to impede on someone else being able to live theirs. I have absolutely no problem sitting down and discussing my culture, my beliefs, my history, my thoughts, my opinions. BUT I REFUSE to have to continue to justify my RIGHT to exist.

Open and honest conversation is a strong equalizer but it has to be a conversation. It has to be an equal exchange of information. It has to happen between people willing to engage in the discussion. It has to be done with people willing to participate in the receiving and delivering of information.It is then we can begin to heal some of this.Telling people we are all human is basically telling everyone to shut up. Think back to the last time someone told you to shut up... what happened next?

Thoughts on the eve of yet another New Year...

While it's been forever since I've penned anything, I thought it was only fitting for me to keep up with my annual tradition of logging my thoughts about a year that has past and a year that approaches. And I'm so very happy to see 2014 go and looking forward to a great 2015.

I stopped truly setting "resolutions" for myself a while back. However, I've always maintained goals. I stopped plotting how I was going to reach those goals. I just know that however I get there, I'll get there. May seem crazy, but for me, I've realized that if I focus too hard on the "plan" I'll eventually lose sight of my goal. Mostly because my plans always seem to get derailed in some sort of fashion. Last year I had a really big primary goal. I didn't really tell anyone about it. I wasn't sure how I was going to get there, and for a while it didn't look like I was going to make it, but I accomplished it. With the support of family and unknowing stress relief of friends (and distractions of crazed students) I made it through. And I'm so very happy that I'm going into 2015 having accomplished that.

There is soooo much fucked up stuff going on in this world. It's very hard to lose sight of the good things that are out there. Tonight, I'm choosing to focus on things I can control, changes I can implement and things (and people) I can affect. It's been a really long time that I've gone into a New Year feeling really good (thought that might be the wine). And so, with that thought, I'm upping the ante and setting another 2 goals for myself. Let's get it!

And with that. The clock strikes 12:00. Happy New Year good people!

No seriously chill with this Meeks stuff...

So I'm sure everyone on the planet now has been witness to the mugshot heard 'round the world of 'notorious' pretty boy thug Jeremy Meeks. Along with all the comments from all kinds of women remarking about his modelesque looks and how shameful it is that he's a criminal (along with some probably NC-17 comments about what they'd like to do to him). And I'm also sure you've seen the accompanying posts about how sad and disappointed people are (gotta love the ones directed at black women...I got a whole lot of f-word filled sentences for that...but anyway) that they are saying all these things and going ga-ga over such a bad person. Such deep commentary on the state of the woman's psyche and how she could allow herself to think these things of a guy such as him.

BWAHHHHHHHHAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you serious? Are you really serious right now? Like I'm sure all of the syphilis filled silicone stacked dumb-diddy-diddy-dumb bubble headed barbies you guys drool over on a daily basis are model citizens. Like you're lusting over a lovely personality and good community service work. Man, get the FOH. Let's just be clear, lust and objectification have absolutely nothing to do at all with the personality. Guys prove that on a daily basis. And that's all that this is. Light-eyed objectification.

BUT AH-HA! The table has turned. It's uncomfortable to think that women can be just as filthy minded as men. Because we're supposed to be attracted to deeper things like honesty and good citizenship. Honestly, most of the comments I've seen have been followed up by or preceded with "damn shame". So these women know he's no good. Doesn't change the fact that most think he's fine. Why should it?

At the end of the day who the fuck cares? Why does it bother people so much that women find this man attractive? Like pretty only comes in good packages. Psh! We all know that about 95-98% or so (give or take) would have no (serious) dealings with this married thug in real life. (But the again I run with smart women....) So why all the vibe killing?? Make you uncomfortable? Thinking of all the objectionable things women may say about you behind your back (or not)? Don't like that? Hmmmmmm?

When the 2-5% of these dumb hoes raise money to get this man out of jail then you complain. If a modeling agency really does think they could profit from this outpouring of interest, by all means talk away, cause I'll be talking right with you. BUT until then, big hand claps to the ladies. Way to let those freak flags fly. Have fun. Objectify and fantasize away.

But I gotta say thank you Facebook for actually setting off a spark to help me write something again. Even if it's dumb as shit.


.....sigh.....I gotta stop cussing......

A definitive list...

The other day I was reading a post that gave a list of things for women to do in order to be a better/good girlfriend. So I thought as Valentine's Day approaches it was only fitting for me to give a bit of advice for guys on how to be a better boyfriend. At first I was thinking of compiling a list of things for you all to do, but I know guys like to say that we need to keep things simple, so I've managed to come up with the best list of all: a one item list.

The one and only thing I think guys need to do in order to be a good/better boyfriend is...

BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD
Mean what you say and say what you mean. If you say you'll be home at 2, then come home at 2. If you say you're picking us up at 9:30 then you should be pulling into the driveway at 9:25. If you say you care about us, then nothing you do or say will be contrary to that statement. If you say you'll never hurt us, then your words and your behaviors will never cause us to cry. If you say you will be there when we need you, then you will not hesitate to make us a priority when it counts. If you say we can trust you, never do a thing that would betray that privilege of trust we have given you.

Whether it's a promise to take out the trash or the commitment to be faithful, what you say carries more weight that you know. Flaking on the small stuff will leave us no room to believe that you will stay true to the larger things. So take care to be a man of your word in every sense. That alone will improve your boyfriend status.

Oh, and don't be the asshole that says...well I guess I'll never say or promise to do anything and then they can't get mad when I don't do it. While you would be correct in that thought process, this is not the post for that. I'll address that issue with the ladies later. 

Happy Valentine's Day people. Be good to each other.

Sometimes it's best to say goodbye...

Many months or so ago I wrote a post outlining whether or not I thought it was possible for exes to be friends. In general, I do think that it is possible with a few things taken into consideration. You can read my full thoughts here. However, I think I need to really take a moment and address the issue of whether or not you should actually even attempt to be friends after a breakup.

People, not everyone is meant to be your friend. That includes people you were once dating, once intimate with, once thought you would spend your life with. There are some really toxic people in your life and it may not be until you have spent some time away from that person or away from that relationship that you realize just how toxic that person was to you.

If trying to maintain a friendship with that person still leads to constant arguments, constant stress, constant irritation, why on GOD'S GREEN EARTH are you trying to keep that person in your life? In any other situation you would have let that friend fall by the wayside. But because you two once had a relationship you feel that that person requires a bit more of your effort or patience. STOP yourself.

Really take the time to ask why it is important to keep that person as a part of your circle of friends. What benefit does it give you to still have regular or irregular contact with that person? How much of a friendship do you wish to have with this person: a casual acquaintance? a true friendship? For what purpose?

Think I'm wrong for asking 'what's in it for me?' Hate to tell you, no I'm not. There is no friend in your life that doesn't serve some type of purpose. Whether it's shared interest, shared perspective, laughter, a shoulder, connections, motivation, a history, upbringing, lifestyle, whatever...every friend you know provides some type of light into your life. If this person isn't adding to your glow and you're not adding to theirs what purpose do you serve each other?!?

Sometimes, it is in neither parties best interest to even attempt to try and retain any type of communication, contact, friendship, anything. Sometimes you just have to let it go. Walking around with too many strings attached can leave you tangled and tethered to a place you no longer wish or need to be. There is nothing wrong with just saying goodbye.

What you won't do for love...

As ladies we are always told in every self-help and relationship book ever published that we need to establish what our absolute relationship deal breakers are. In other words, out of our multi-page list of requirements for our potential partner, what are the ones we are absolutely not able to compromise on. After watching an episode of a series on my favorite YouTube channel, Black&Sexy.TV (go support), I began to wonder if guys are ever thinking about their absolute deal breakers.

Like I said, as women we are encouraged to come up with this list all the time. But I don't think I've ever overheard guys having that conversation. However, for guys I think taking time to think about this concept is equally important. Not only for the sake of exploring the things you ultimately want out of your relationship, but to see if the person you are currently with or considering spending the rest of your life fits  your requirements. I'm not talking shallow things like looks or can she cook. I'm talking having and raising children, money and finance topics, and general life wellness goals.

Too often I think guys assume that women want what they consider to be typical women things.
One example can be having children. I think many men assume that women want to be mothers. However there is a population of women who have no desire to be a mother. If having a family is a deal breaker for you, wouldn't it be important to know this woman you have fallen head over heels for and probably want to marry doesn't want children. I think many of these types of conversations never happen because people assume that the other wants what most "typical" women/men want. However some of these things can be major game changers and warrant honest discussions.

In general I think too many couples push forward onto the next phases of their relationships without having open conversations about what their expectations and desires are. I think both parties need to honestly put their expectations, hopes and dreams on the table and talk it out. See where you can meet in the middle on some topics. See where you just simply will not give up or compromise on. Sometimes what comes out of these conversations may reveal a deal breaker to you that you might not have even considered. Remember marriage is supposed to be till death. Are these things that you can live with or without?

Holding on to your standards...


As the years of singleness start to increase each turning hour, a girl can begin to question herself. You start to wonder: Are my standards too high? Unreasonable? Should I give up and take this one that is close enough? What is my limit? What requirements can go, what can be bent, what can I live with or without? Does what I'm looking for actually exist? Many times my mind starts to believe what I want is actually out there, just not in a package or format that I want, that exists in real life or that wants me in return.

At some point these questions start to get really loud and you begin to almost give up. Throw up your hands and say FINE! I GIVE! Obviously I'm being ridiculous. I can't get anything close to what I want so I'll just take what I can get. OR you do the exact opposite and resign yourself to becoming the neighborhood cat lady.

I have never been one to believe you should let go of what's important to you. You may have to reevaluate that list every few years to make sure what was a priority last year is still a priority this year. However, you should never let go of things that are deal breakers for you. And it's hard and frustrating and often times disheartening. But if you don't think you're worthy of getting what you want, what's to make anyone else think you're worthy.

I firmly believe that everything comes to you when you are ready for it. Not before. So what you want may not appear in the time you expect it, but I believe it will appear. I have no other choice to believe that. Because I a) hate cats and b) refuse to settle into an inadequate relationship just to have someone.